I have thought about what my first post about my first son would say. Would I write about being induced after swelling up like a balloon? Would I mention that I went from being ok to pure terror in nothing flat? Should it be said that I forgot to ask for pain meds? Was it worth telling how the moment he was laid on my chest, the room went silent and my mind went silent and there was nothing but his warm skin against mine? Most importantly, would I talk about how we just laid there, our first moments as mother and child, neither one wanting to blink, just staring at each other, before Jaxen Joshua Angel let out his first cry? I will say that the moment I heard that cry, every fiber of my being wanted to do whatever I could to soothe him, let him know that he was safe and mommy was going to make it all better.
I was prepared for the birth. There was definitely pain and I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. Nothing, though, prepared me for the instance when I saw this being whom I’d anticipated meeting from the moment that pink line popped up almost exactly nine months before. Do you cry? Laugh? Both? What do you say? Are you supposed to say something? All I really remember is feeling instantly better, no more pain or pressure, and wondering why someone turned off the volume to the room. Awe struck doesn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling as the nurses covered us both with a blanket and the grammys cried and the doctor was doing doctor stuff. Definitely surreal that at 5:40PM on November 22, 2013 I wasn’t a mother and at 5:41PM, I was.
Now our whole lives have changed. We discuss diapers and car seats. Nights are filled with bottle washing and late late late feeding sessions. It’s impossible to go anywhere without enough stuff to fill a small Uhaul. Light reading now consists of reading reviews on baby gear (I’m currently writing this with the boy strapped to me in an Ergobaby carrier, the multitasking momma’s best friend, and let’s face it, motherhood = multitasking). There are still glimmers of who we were before Jax’s arrival but it’s getting harder and harder to imagine life without our son.
I thought I’d dedicate these next few posts to catching up on Jax’s first few months on the outside. If the rest of his little life continues to move at the pace the first two months did, prepare for some serious tear sheddage.
S&S (&J too!)